You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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