I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
