i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
Drunk is a universal language darling
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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