Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
