I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
