I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
