i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Randomize
