I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
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