this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Randomize
