margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
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