I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
