He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
