So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
