she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
