She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize