Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
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