I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
