We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
