I need to stop coming to work sober
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Randomize
