haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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