Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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