belinda wants 2 know wr u got ur butt pads
i dont wear butt pads that thang is au naturel
Yeah...right...LMAO
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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