omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Randomize
