The maid of honor just puked.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Randomize