Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
