dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
