She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
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