Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
