Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
