the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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