Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
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