I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
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