By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Randomize
