I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Randomize
