i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
