im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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