OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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