Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Randomize
