Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
