i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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