Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
