i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
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