3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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