I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Randomize
