bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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