Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
