i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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