finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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