I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
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