I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Randomize
