somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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