Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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