I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Randomize
