yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
