Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Randomize
