I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Randomize
