i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
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