Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
