so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Randomize
