I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
