Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
