You don't have asthma, your pregnant
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
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