we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Randomize
