saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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