be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
