Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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