I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize