So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Randomize
