hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Randomize